If The Church Wants To Defend Life It Must Show That It Cares For It After Birth

In a horrifying report, detailed in the "New York Times" today, we learned that tens of thousands of poor Irish children, taken into the care of religious institutions, were sexually, physically and emotionally abused by priests, nuns and other care-takers.

The study, undertaken by a state-appointed commission, looked at 60 years of church-run residential schools that were given charge of more than 30,000 children--many of whom were sent away because their parents couldn't afford them, couldn't care for them, or because they themselves had committed petty crimes. How can the church take such an unbending stance on abortion and birth control then subject unwanted children to such horror?

Many of these children were sent away from loving people because of social pressure if the child was born out of wedlock, or a result of adultery. If the church is going to impose strict moral standards on procreation and divorce, it has a responsibility to ably care for the children who are products of constituency that has no choice in preventing their birth. Instead the Catholic Church has systematically and institutionally abused children in the basest of ways for as long as we can remember. As a baptized Catholic, who thinks the Church has much to offer in humanitarian causes, I've found it hard to support its efforts while it condones such behavior in its own institutions.

This study reveals that Irish boys were subjected to:

"Punching, flogging, assault and bodily attacks, kicking, head shaving, beating on the soles of the feet, burning, scalding, stabbing, being made to kneel and stand in fixed positions for lengthy periods, hosed down with cold water before being beaten, beaten while hanging from hooks on the wall, being set upon by dogs, being restrained in order to be beaten, physical assaults by more than one person, and having objects thrown at them."

The Irish girls did not get off any easier. They were treated as slaves, laboring up to 7 hours a day. They were routinely sexually abused, often by more than one person at a time.

The sexual abuse that we hear about at home and abroad is the most sickening, not only because these children will be forever scarred by it, but because of the inexcusable hypocrisy of it all. The fact that the Catholic Church makes ad hoc rules assuming people can fight nature and live chaste lives of "perfection" while covering up the sexual crimes of its members.

If the Catholic Church hopes to survive the next century there are several things it should put into action right away, the first being a system of review outside of its own hierarchy. The religious group that ran these schools fought to keep the names of the abusers out of the report, so they couldn't be prosecuted. They succeeded, both in letting criminals remain at large and at further demoralizing the world view of its leaders. All powerful institutions need checks and balances, especially this one. It should work with governments (which are often complicit as the Irish one was in these crimes) to weed out pedophiles, and other criminals from its ranks.

The Church should make it clear that it's anti-abortion because it's pro-life in every way. Not just birth, but life, the sanctity of children should be protected not systematically removed and abused. That's the only way it can ever regain its standing.

I Was On CNBC: You Should Watch It

[UPDATE] Rush Limbaugh responds here.

Alan Alda Talks 30 Rock, Tina Fey, And His Life-Sized Cut Out Of Sarah Palin

Alan Alda, the Academy Award-nominated, Emmy award-winning actor, director, screenwriter, hasn't yet discovered that he's too big a star to be talking to me (thank god) and keeps granting us interviews. On this occasion, we were curious what his time on the set of "30 Rock" has been like, and exactly how awkward the interactions were with his newly found son (Alec Baldwin). You can catch Alda's first episode of the NBC sitcom tonight at 9:30p ET.

So, Alan...Mr. Alda...Sir, it's been about a year since our last interview. Has anything interesting happened to you since then or were you just waiting for me to pop in to spice things up?

I was just on the help line when your email came in. I thought you'd forgotten me.

You're playing Jack Donaghy's long-lost father on "30 Rock" this season. What's it like to have Alec Baldwin as a son?

It's all right, except that he keeps borrowing the family car and banging it up and his room is a pigsty.

If Jack Donaghy were a real person, what would he give you for father's day?

A life-size cut-out of Tom DeLay. I think he may have misunderstood why I keep a life-size cut-out of Sarah Palin.

We hear his character, who is a corporation-loving Republican, gets very upset to find his real father is a liberal. You also played a liberal father to a conservative son in "Everyone Says I Love You." What advice do you have for fathers who have to reach across political lines for their kids?

Find out why they have these ideas that go against everything you hold dear. Listen to them with patience and understanding. Then have them abducted and reprogrammed.

"30 Rock" seems to have some deep daddy issues, what with Tracy Jordan being abandoned by his father, Jack being abandoned by his father, and Jenna wanting to have sex with her father. Thoughts?

I didn't know Jenna wanted to have sex with her father. That explains her behavior in the elevator the other day. What else do you know about these people?

Can you tell us any gossip about Tina Fey? Is she hiding anything scandalous...like normalcy

You're right. She's strangely normal. She's a brilliant writer and actress, she's a producer, a satirist, she's on the cover of Time Magazine as one of the 100 most influential people, and yet if you met her and didn't know who she was, you'd think she was this nice mom who was really interested in what you had to say. I wonder if there's a life size cut-out of her.

(Aside: We're sending him one)

You have been a mainstay of American television for four decades, are you happy to see NBC moving back to making sitcoms? What trends in television hearten you the most?

What heartens me is to see "30 Rock" on the air. It makes me laugh from my gut, which I really like to do.

This Is Why Black People Hate Us

Because of ads like this...





Oy.

The Dos and Don'ts of Job Interviews

Going on a job interview is like going on the worst first date ever. You have to be able to answer questions without revealing anything bad about yourself, while insuring your doubletalk sounds sincere. (It's unlike a first date in that you cannot expect sex at the end, unless you are interviewing for a porno.)

In this era of extreme unemployment, an applicant must be fully armed before tangling with the toughest of foes: An HR representative. Hopefully the following post will help you understand the 'dos' and 'do not dos' of job interviews.

Question: What is your greatest weakness?

Right Answer: I don't ask for help when I should. I take on a lot, and always finish what I start, but not without all-nighters and self-imposed pressure.

Wrong Answer: I don't work well with others. I drink a lot on Thursday night, so I'm pretty much useless on Fridays. I get overwhelmed easily, which leads to inappropriate emotional displays in the workplace. Oh, and I used to wet my bed, which left me scarred and unable to make eye contact when I have to relieve myself.

Question: Why did you leave your last job?

Right Answer: I loved my coworkers; we were like family. But you can't stay in a situation that doesn't challenge you to the fullest. I think your organization will be a better fit--one that will allow me to live up to my full potential, and I look forward to forging new friendships.

Wrong Answer: I slept with everyone at my last workplace and it got really uncomfortable near the end. My boss was an ass whom I mocked mercilessly when out of earshot. The most stimulating part of my day was online shopping.

Question: What do you do in your spare time?

Right Answer: I read to the blind once a week, train for triathalons, and spend a lot of time with my family.

Wrong Answer: I can tell you the names of every "Big Brother" contestant in the past 10 years.

Question: Why are you interested in this position?

Right Answer: I've always wanted to be in______, but I needed to try other professions to make sure I was fully committed to it. I have a strong interest in _______, which will serve me well in this position and the skills I've developed in my past positions will be invaluable when taking on this new challenge.

Wrong Answer: I'm not really. I'm making more money now collecting unemployment than I did at my last job, but my parents threatened to stop paying my rent if I didn't find a job. This seemed like the least offensive of all my possibilities.

(I originally wrote a version of this piece for "Save the Assistants.")

The "Real Housewives Of New York City" Flowchart Of Hate

I'm a little embarrassed to love this show as much as I do, but I can't help myself: The "Real Housewives of New York City" is mesmerizing. Just look at how much news they generate: one of them got dumped by her royal husband, one of them beat up her boyfriend, one of them posed nude (and now blogs for us); they have even generated their own Huff liveblog team.

There's a reason the ratings are up 99% from the first season.

Now, I have to admit, I'm firmly in camp Bethenny when it comes to the crazy Ms. Bensimon and her antics. Also, I have left out past feuds that have sort of healed over like the Countess V. Ramona and Jill V. Ramona. But other than that this should be a useful flowchart for those who can't keep up with the infighting of the group.

Dream-Hating the French

I dreamt last night that a French couple pooped in my bathtub. It wasn't malicious, they just didn't know any better, but that's even weirder, right? I can see defiling someone's space out of pure hatred, but ignorance? They were in their 20s! This begs the question: Why do I dream-hate the French? What does my subconscious have against these people?

I went to France for a summer in high school, traveling around staying in hostels and family homes. They fed me, I learned French, no one pooped in a bathtub.

Most of my dreams are pretty easy to analyze: Me falling in front of coworkers, me falling in front of family, me falling in front of ex-lovers (I am not a deep person, everything's right there on the surface.) But now my subconscious has developed some profundity and I'm baffled.

According to Self Help Magazine, poop usually represents money. The French are leaving me money in the bathtub? Anyway, if you, dear readers, have any thoughts, let me know. In the mean time, I'm going to be extra nice to Francophone speakers.

Five Sexist Trends the Advertising World Just Can't Shake

This was a big year for women: The first serious female presidential candidate, the first predominately female state senate, the first female Top Chef. Yet the advertising world has not caught up to the advances of half our population and continues to use stereotypes and violence to prey on our most vile desires. Here are the worst of them--the trends that won't die despite our cultural outrage, and personal boredom.

BONDAGE - This year Remy Martin debuted it's "things are getting interesting" campaign that features a mediocre Website and a series of billboards/magazine spreads depicting women in degrading bondage positions. You may think, "hey this one shows two women, there aren't even men involved, how can it be sexist?" But most of the ads (not available online) have men between the two women in controlling positions. And even without that, these women are obviously putting on a show for an outsider, not having a passionate lesbian love affair for themselves. These types of ads gain traction in cultural periods of female advancement--capturing the fantasy of "putting us back where we belong."

Remy Martin describes its followers as "influential, social, and multicultural urban males, ages 25 to 35." Men of this ilk and age range (read: over 16) should know better than to fall for this kind of pandering. If we switch the view from this being sexy, to this being a pathetic attempt to make an undersexed male feel powerful in the face of female accomplishment, the image loses its appeal. I would like to start a "things that are not interesting" campaign, which would include men insecure enough about themselves that they can't talk to women who aren't physically degraded. I would also include cognac.

RAPE -- The world of high fashion has been the worst offender in the violence-as-art game. Cavalli had pirates, Chanel had a wife beater, and now Dolce and Gabbana has this.

Let's get this out there now: It's not edgy, it's ridiculous. This is a gang rape, and any woman that sees those shoes instead of that message deserves those shoes. Any man who doesn't see that this is rape is probably looking at one of the hard bodies in the background and therefore not really a threat to women.

"SLUTS" -- Much like the Calvin Klein ads of the early 90s--you remember the ones that made you feel like you were watching child porn, cause you sorta were--this ad offers a young woman (with the face of a small child) posed in a sexually suggestive manner. They are offering you a virgin in looks and expression, and a slut in the tagline: "You know you're not the first." She's been fucked before--she knows what she's doing. She's been used so you can do whatever you like to her. That's the implicit message of this ad. She's young and nubile, but not prudish. She's the ultimate fantasy: a virgin who won't say no to anything.

This combination of the Madonna and the whore is ultimately a fantasy of degrading both body and mind. This girl is in no way a threat: she's young and won't say no, no one has to offer her anything, she is just there for your needs, just like a car.

GIRL ON GIRL ACTION -- Oh my god is this played out. We get it, some men find the idea of two women together appealing. MTV has reality shows devoted to it, casual and exploitative lesbianism is now a part of our culture. But aren't companies like Nikon supposed to be better than that? They bring us goofy Ashton Kutcher commercials (not that those are okay either) and sponsor the Boston Red Sox (yeah, that's pretty bad too). But they are a staple of the photography world and should be held to a higher standard than Tila Tequila. There are many meanings to the term corporate responsibility and one of them is not to fetishize female sexuality.

CUM SHOTS -- Forgive me that lewd term, but I didn't know how else to phrase it. I can't open a magazine anymore without seeing a thinly-veiled coital moment posing as an advertisement for some sort of beauty product. Jezebel tracked these for a while, rounding up the worst offenders.

The images and tag lines reinforce the idea of women sex receptacle, and therefore simply a receiver of sex, not one engaging in an equal process. This ad reads "I Want You All Over Me," which is as subtle as it is sexy. As Jezebel points out, women like orgasming too, sex is not just about male pleasure, it's a two way road and all of these ads find their own way around that truth.

The fact that these trends are so widespread is not the fault of the advertising world--these people are paid to appeal to our ids, they are often self-aware in their tendency to make the world harder for women, that's the life they've chosen. It is mainstream companies like BMW, Mitchum, Nikon, mainstream publications that host these images, and mainstream readers who use these products despite their appalling treatment of women that are truly to blame. The advertising world reacts to client demands and consumer activity--we have control over only one of those fields.

The Self-Inflicted Pressure to Post

One of the strangest things about this whole "technology thing" is the tension between wanting people to know exactly what you're doing, feeling, hoping, thinking and the pressure that creates to constantly record what you're doing, feeling, hoping, thinking. My boyfriend set up a twitter account and suggested I follow it. When he stopped updating it I got annoyed, he felt guilty, and then it collapsed. I feel the same way about this blog: I want people to read it, but I don't want to have to give it sustained attention. I'm torn between begging people to care and telling them to take a flying leap when they demand anything more of me than I'm willing to give. Maybe readers are the answer; an RSS feed allows you to track blogs without having to check in on them. Is that just lazy or is it reassuring? Am I a bad blogger? These are the sad sad questions that haunt me late at night. That and how I convinced anyone to be my boyfriend.

The Funniest Holiday Movies of All Time

Now I know I'm jumping the gun here because Four Christmases hasn't opened yet and any movie that combines the humor of Jon Voight with the understated elegance of Vince Vaughan is sure to be a winner, but I thought I'd risk it and come out with my list of the funniest holiday movies of all time today.

10) Tadpole -- In this odd, Voltaire-ridden coming of age story, we follow a young man in his quest to sleep with his stepmother. It's not a perfect film, it's lacking visually and some of the dialogue falls flat, but it is hilarious when it wants to be and Bebe Neuwirth is awe-inspiring both in her comic timing and sex appeal.



9) The Muppet Christmas Carol -- My favorite part of these movies was always the lack of differentiation between people and muppets, and who better to throw into the mix than the stuffy and sweet Michael Caine. Both hilarious and delightful, the movie makes you feel better about a season so often characterized by greed.



8) Planes, Trains and Automobiles -- This movie teaches us an important lesson: You should always make sure you are reaching for a towel and not John Candy's underwear. Funnier than the film itself, is this mash-up of it and Brokeback Mountain:



7) Santa Clause: The Movie -- Yeah, this movie is awesome. Dudley Moore + evil John Lithgow + a sled that runs on candy canes and hope = unintentionally hilarious. Run, don't walk, to rent this-so-bad-it's-fabulous film.



6) Scrooged -- I love movies in which Bill Murray learns not be an asshole. This one doesn't quite measure up to Groundhog Day, but it'll do.



5) The Ref -- Before Dennis Leary got on everyone's bad side with that autism garbage, he made this film about a dysfunctional Connecticut couple and their bat-shit crazy family, which will definitely make you feel better about your own. It's the funniest he's ever been, but he still gets upstaged by Judy Davis, Christine Baranski and some really mean old lady.



4) Bad Santa -- I never knew Christmas could be so dirty. I'm so glad I was wrong. Plus there's a midget involved.



3) Trading Places -- A revenge fantasy involving corporate greed and the stock exchange set around the holidays? Nice.



2) A Christmas Story -- This movie is the reason I never licked any frozen metal object growing up (yeah, I was a slow kid). It's hokey, and a little slow, but it's a staple of Christmas, in fact, I don't think TBS would have any programming in December without it.



1) Home for the Holidays -- Turns out Jodie Foster is funny, or at least she can direct funny. She gets help from Holly Hunter, Robert Downey, Jr and Anne Bancroft (who is so adorable in this film that I finally understand the urge old ladies have to pinch people's cheeks.)



Feel free to add your favorites below, or simply berate me for nondescript reasons.